A recent New York Times article reported interesting National Sleep Foundation research findings: “Study Finds Many Are Too Tired for Sex: One in four Americans married or living with someone say they are so sleep-deprived that they are often too tired to have sex”.  Several of my clients in my San Francisco private practice and couples in our Marriage Prep 101 workshops shared these sleep foundation findings with us. They were relieved to learn that other couples also say that they are too tired for sex. However, many of them also asked for tips to help!

Too Tired for Sex: 10 Tips to Help:

1) Remember that you are not alone. Fatigue is indeed a leading reason forcouples to have less sex. However, do you really want to become one of the “No Sex/Low Sex” couples? According to research, 20% of all couples have sex less than 10x per year. When couples get out of the habit and ritual of being sexual with each other, they lose an important opportunity for connection, closeness, intimacy, pleasure and fun.

2) Look at your health & wellness. Make the commitment to yourself and partner that you will find a way to manage your fatigue so that it does not interfere with a good sex life. Rule out medical issues around low thyroid or iron deficiency. Look at your diet. Are you at a healthy weight? Do you eat enough protein? Do you get enough exercise? Are you getting a minimum of 7 hours per sleep per night? Taking care of your own wellness and health can make a significant difference in your energy level and interest in sex.

3) Manage time at home better. If you have children, you may need your spouse’s help with this, especially getting them to bed earlier. While one of you cleans up after dinner, let the more tired one take a bath, relax or read a magazine. Take time to release stress so sex does not become one more chore at the end of the day. Pick a time that you both will be finished working (including work details, laundry and emails) so you don’t just fall into bed. Turn off the TV or computer at an agreed upon time. If your career or housework or childcare continue to take precedence over your sex life, no wonder you are too exhausted for sex. If you have sex only at the end of the night, you may end up choosing sleep over sex on a regular basis.

4) 10 Minute Rule: If you are not in the mood or feel too tired for sex, give it 10 minutes. According to research, half of the population feels amorous or horny and wants to initiate sex. The other half is not at all interested in sex until after they start kissing and fooling around. Give it a try. Like physical exercise, if we start with 10 minutes, we often stick around and get more into it. Next time you feel too tired, try kissing and fooling around for 10 minutes and see if you get more aroused or interested.

5) Create windows of opportunity. Do you ever have a sex date? Rather than go to dinner and movie, stay home and have a sexually playful evening? Create windows of opportunity for sexual connection at times other than the end of a long day. Do you ever make love when little children are napping? Or send them to a friend’s house, and stay home and make love in the morning or afternoon? What about wake me up sex where you welcome your partner waking you up while you are asleep to fool around? What about making love before you go out on a date? Set your alarm early and make love at the beginning of the day? Couples come up with so many excuses. You have to be creative to find and create good times for sex.

6) Take a Marriage Vacation. No kids. Fun, romantic and sexy focus to even a weekend can jump start your sex life. The more sex you have, the more testosterone, dopamine and oxytocin you release. Let your physiology do its magic by having lots of sex while on vacation.

7) Redefine sex. Does sex always have to mean sexual intercourse? Women, maybe you are exhausted, but could get more into sex if the focus was only on you. How about sensual massage (just receive), long passionate kissing or just one person receive oral sex? Do you ever think of giving sex as a gift to your partner? Too many couples decline sex because they are tired and they don’t have the energy for a luxurious, lengthy experience. What about just giving your guy a hand job or blow job? What about just focusing on the woman’s pleasure? I hear that many women wish sex could sometimes be only about their personal pleasure, but they do not tell their guys. Have you ever heard of “eat her like a peach” or “pretend you have a tic tac in your mouth”? Why do we have a widely accepted term for oral sex for a man: “blow job”, but not one for a woman?  If either of you think that you are too tired for sex, ask each other if you are up for anything sexual? Maybe a sexual appetizer could be on the menu even if you don’t have energy for a big sexual meal.

8) Communicate. Talk to your partner about your fatigue, and then challenge each other to take better care of yourselves and find better times when you are not so tired. A common mistake that many couples make is losing momentum. They get a babysitter, go out for the evening, drink some wine, feel amorous, and then come home. One person takes 15 minutes checking email…and the momentum is gone. The other person tried to wait for them, but fell asleep in the process. Been there, done that.  Keep the date feeling going all the way to the bedroom. Or living room. Or hot tub…

9) Spice it up. Are you really too tired or honestly has sex become a little boring or too predictable? Have a heart to heart sex talk. What do you each like about your sex life? Focus on the positives. What would you like to be different? Spice it up. Try something new. Visit a sex store together. Read a sex book. Be creative. Maybe you would be less tired if sex was more fun, novel and engaging.

10) Rally. If you have dinner plans, and you are exhausted do you usually rallyfor the occasion? When you feel tired, and you have to go to work, do you drink a little coffee, show up and do your best? Do you give needed love and attention to your children? Sadly, many couples begin to see their sex lives as optional. They take it for granted, and allow fatigue to be an acceptable reason to continuously decline making love.

Instead, commit to making your sexual relationship be an important way to connect with each other, be playful, and have more fun! Research by sex therapist, Dr Barry McCarthy found “When couples are happy enough with theirsex life, it only accounts for 15% of how happy they are in their relationship. However, when either person is unhappy with their sex life it can account for 85% of their relationship happiness”. Yes, we are all busy, and fatigue definitely contributes to many of us having less sex. Talk to your partner. Do not allow the mantra, “I am too exhausted for sex” to continue any longer. Let’s Rally. Get creative, motivated and inspired to prioritize your sexual relationship. Don’t you want to be one of those passionate, sexy, still in love couples that we all envy and admire? Yes, you can!

At times do you feel taken for granted, and not “special” in your relationship?

Sometimes we are not aware that we have an expectation or wish to be appreciated, adored and cherished more…until we are disappointed, hurt or angry.

When I go out with my girlfriends, I often hear a theme of us feeling that our spouses take us for granted. Fortunately many of us are married to good guys who are our friends, our partners and wonderful fathers to our children. However, do we really feel like they appreciate, adore and cherish us? And…is it even reasonable to expect to be adored, cherished and appreciated after all of these years?

When I asked my friends on Twitter, I heard back many passionate responses such as “Not only is it expected, but appreciation is required”; “Love and respect yourself and your partner….and it will be reciprocated” and “I wish I felt that way in my relationship. I just can not imagine”; “No wonder people have affairs…so they aren’t taken for granted and feel appreciated”.

When I ask my husband, Patrick, “Do you really appreciate me?” He says, “Of course I do”. I add, “Really? Sometimes it does not feel that way”.

After teaching 90  Marriage Prep 101 workshops to over the past ten years, Patrick finally knows what I need to hear… “Babe, I always appreciate you. I adore and cherish you. Maybe I need to do a better job conveying that to you”. My fantasy is that my husband will spontaneously grab me, gaze into my eyes and tell me how much he loves me. And, Yes after fifteen years together, I still need to coach him to do so. I have the fantasy that he will pursue me like he did when we were dating. I ask myself is that a reasonable expectation?

In an article in the New York Times Magazine, “What do Women Want?“, a study found that many women “wish to be an object of erotic desire” and want a partner who is a “caveman who is caring.. who will throw them up against the wall, but not endanger them”. Yeah, that sounds pretty good to many of us!

In the book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate“, Gary Chapman writes about the five main ways that we like to be loved. Choices include: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch and Words of Appreciation. How do you prefer to be loved? What about your partner or other important people in your life? Are you showing them love in the ways that they want to be loved? Are they showing you love in the ways that you want and need?

It is no surprise that I prefer to be loved with “Physical Touch” and “Words of Appreciation”. My husband, on the other hand is an “Act of Service” guy. He feels most loved when I make him dinner or clean out the garage. I feel loved when he passionately tells me how much he appreciates and cherishes me, and how he can not live without me. It is not his nature as an Irish Catholic New Yorker man, yet he is working on becoming my Latin lover, and little changes go a long way with me.

Please do not take each other for granted. Rather than focus on the problems of your relationship, try showing appreciation of each other. You may have better results!

How motivated are you to have a positive sexual relationship, and what helps you be proactive about your emotional and physical intimate relationships? What is normal? How can we keep it interesting? What about sex after kids? How do you deal with differences in desire? Will we have to “work” at a good sex life?

How playful is your sex life?

Research by sex therapist, Dr Barry McCarthy found “When couples are happy enough with their sex life, it only accounts for 15% of how happy they are in their relationship. However, when either person is unhappy with their sex life it can account for 85% of their relationship happiness”.

Many couples begin their relationship with the anticipation and excitement of a new romantic and sexual partner. In the beginning, most people find their sex lives pleasurable, exciting and interesting enough. When we fall in love, we release the feel good hormone called dopamine.

When we are sensual and sexual, we release a bonding hormone called oxytocin. So the good news is that the early years are fueled by both dopamine and oxytocin. However, these hormones wear off over time.

Also, the daily pressure and stress of working, raising children, dealing with finances and taking care of so many tasks can take a toll on one’s interest in sex and love making. If you think about it, it also makes sense that making love the same way to the same person year after year could get a little routine, mundane and even boring.

The good news is that couples can reclaim their sexual relationship, and even re-invent it to be more playful and exciting.

As a Psychologist and Couples Therapist, I often get asked by individuals and couples for book recommendations of how to improve their sex lives. Over the years, I have found that many sex books are just too serious and technical, emphasizing the need to try new positions and “work” at their sexual relationship.

Since I work with couples of all stages of relationships, I have been motivated to find a book to recommend that truly helps couples PLAY at their sex lives, rather than “work” at them.

In our Marriage Prep 101 Workshops, we have a lively conversation and Q & A about sexuality and intimacy. We often say, “Ask anything. Since we are in San Francisco, nothing surprises us”. We encourage couples to talk about their sex lives with each other, and commit to making their physical relationship be an important way to connect with each other. In our Marriage Prep 101 workshops, we raffle off a fun Sex book, and thought it would be fun to share our review here with you:

101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples” by Laura Corn.

The book comes with 101 Sealed Seductions. Every week, each partner flips through the book, and then tears out the page for truly fun ideas about how to seduce each other. The sexual “recipes” are playful and secret, and often require some planning and anticipation.

When couples find that their current lovemaking is predictable, these suggestions can easily help them come up with fresh, new and exciting ideas. There is a wide range of suggestions from “Body Tease” to “Dip it in Chocolate” to “Kissing Only” to “Wet and Wetter” and many more. Some are spicier than others, and you can always decline and pick another one.

Some couples even find it erotic and silly to rip the pages together, read them aloud to each other, and improvise. I recommend this book for all couples- from newlyweds to long term married. Just be sure to keep this book hidden in a special place!

I enjoy writing about positive, proactive healthy living, wellness and intentional relationships on The Kathleen Show Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesday . Please join me there.

Last night I came home after a long day and evening of work. My 11 year old son asked me to sit with him and talk for a while. I noticed that I was immediately distracted by my long list of “to do’s”. I needed to return emails, phone calls, fold laundry, make school lunches, tidy up, and so on: The usual life of a Mom.

I realize that I am often focused on planning for the future or looking back on the past. I know I am not alone with this style. I speak to many mothers in my private practice who also have a difficult time putting down their work, and focusing on their present relationships with their partner, their children and even themselves.

As a Psychologist, I do believe that our past history influences who we are today, but to what degree do we need to focus on our past stories? When we focus on the past (worries, regrets or even nostalgic memories), how much are we missing of the present? When we focus too much on the future (and what we need to get done), how much do we miss of the present?

Have you taken the Myers Briggs Personality Test? I am a ENFJ (Extravert, Intutitive, Feeling and Judging). Judging is actually PLANNING on this test, and yes I admit I often enjoy the process of planning almost as much as the event itself.

Last night, I quieted myself, breathed slowly and listened to my son’s stories of the day. I reminded myself- this is it. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I need to enjoy the present now. Maybe I need to go back to yoga or start a meditation practice because this is hard for me!

As I stood up to leave, my son said, “One more thing- please listen to this new song with me”. Together, we listened to a song on his ipod, “Hey, Soul Sister”. My eyes filled up with tears. I know this time is precious. I need to stay in the present more, and enjoy this incredible time.  In a year or two my sons may not want to share their music or their time with me. I need to enjoy this present time now.

Some of us are more experienced at planning for the future or looking back at the past. My personal challenge is to stay more in the present. What about you? What helps you stay in the present?

Please join the community at The Kathleen Show: Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesdays for more support and tips about healthy living.