How motivated are you to have a positive sexual relationship, and what helps you be proactive about your emotional and physical intimate relationships? What is normal? How can we keep it interesting? What about sex after kids? How do you deal with differences in desire? Will we have to “work” at a good sex life?

How playful is your sex life?

Research by sex therapist, Dr Barry McCarthy found “When couples are happy enough with their sex life, it only accounts for 15% of how happy they are in their relationship. However, when either person is unhappy with their sex life it can account for 85% of their relationship happiness”.

Many couples begin their relationship with the anticipation and excitement of a new romantic and sexual partner. In the beginning, most people find their sex lives pleasurable, exciting and interesting enough. When we fall in love, we release the feel good hormone called dopamine.

When we are sensual and sexual, we release a bonding hormone called oxytocin. So the good news is that the early years are fueled by both dopamine and oxytocin. However, these hormones wear off over time.

Also, the daily pressure and stress of working, raising children, dealing with finances and taking care of so many tasks can take a toll on one’s interest in sex and love making. If you think about it, it also makes sense that making love the same way to the same person year after year could get a little routine, mundane and even boring.

The good news is that couples can reclaim their sexual relationship, and even re-invent it to be more playful and exciting.

As a Psychologist and Couples Therapist, I often get asked by individuals and couples for book recommendations of how to improve their sex lives. Over the years, I have found that many sex books are just too serious and technical, emphasizing the need to try new positions and “work” at their sexual relationship.

Since I work with couples of all stages of relationships, I have been motivated to find a book to recommend that truly helps couples PLAY at their sex lives, rather than “work” at them.

In our Marriage Prep 101 Workshops, we have a lively conversation and Q & A about sexuality and intimacy. We often say, “Ask anything. Since we are in San Francisco, nothing surprises us”. We encourage couples to talk about their sex lives with each other, and commit to making their physical relationship be an important way to connect with each other. In our Marriage Prep 101 workshops, we raffle off a fun Sex book, and thought it would be fun to share our review here with you:

101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples” by Laura Corn.

The book comes with 101 Sealed Seductions. Every week, each partner flips through the book, and then tears out the page for truly fun ideas about how to seduce each other. The sexual “recipes” are playful and secret, and often require some planning and anticipation.

When couples find that their current lovemaking is predictable, these suggestions can easily help them come up with fresh, new and exciting ideas. There is a wide range of suggestions from “Body Tease” to “Dip it in Chocolate” to “Kissing Only” to “Wet and Wetter” and many more. Some are spicier than others, and you can always decline and pick another one.

Some couples even find it erotic and silly to rip the pages together, read them aloud to each other, and improvise. I recommend this book for all couples- from newlyweds to long term married. Just be sure to keep this book hidden in a special place!

I enjoy writing about positive, proactive healthy living, wellness and intentional relationships on The Kathleen Show Prevention Not Prescriptions Tuesday . Please join me there.